Scared Far Too Much

I once wrote, “Inside a Broken Brain”.  This post is what is going on inside the brain about 15 months after the brain tumor was discovered.

It is hard for me to quantify what the hardest thing is for me.  There are several major emotional struggles.  One would be the steady stream of fear that courses through me.  I used to be confident about everything.  I might not be able to do everything, but I knew I could learn anything I wanted to learn.  I could find the resources for anything I needed.  I could talk intelligently with anyone I met.

Now, I am filled with self-doubt.  I cannot remember day to day what conversations I have had.  I might confuse my own thoughts with actual discussions.  Sometimes,  I lose every hint of a conversation, even after being reminded.  It is as though it never occurred at all.

Additionally, I create scenarios that are based on something I thought and think it is what happened.  For example, when I was in the hospital I fell and hurt my shoulder.  I thought it was dislocated.  It was not, but I told everybody I met I had dislocated my shoulder.  To this day, my girls remember that I dislocated my shoulder.  Reality is it never happened.  I do not know what other areas of life this has happened in, but I know it has.

I get lost easily. One of the areas of my brain most affected by the tumor was spatial relationships.  I cannot navigate more than a block or two from my home or work.  I cannot seem to learn landmarks, or where they are in relationship to where I am going.

Going to the bathroom in a restaurant is scary.  I must pay very careful attention to what door I went in, land marks by my table, etc.  I am as likely to get lost as to find my way back to my table.

I fear being irrelevant.  It is much better now with my girls.  I feel like we have found a working relationship that is normal for a mom and teenage daughters.  They still call their dad for far more than they call me.  But I know part of that is transportation  details, etc.  Things he is better suited to respond to.   But at work, I do not have a job or responsibility yet.  I can always jump in and do something, but nothing yet is specifically mine.

With Derrick, we struggle with each other.  He does not want to trust me.  He finds making all decisions to be much faster without me.  Things we used to discuss together are now often just an update I receive  In my quest to be a part I strike out.

I have trouble with friendships.  Like in other areas, I don’t remember the important details that make one know the other is listening and cares.  I also get frustrated trying to organize my time and efforts to engage.  I am quicker to quit because it is so much more work.

Extended family feels very far away.  I have not kept them informed of my struggles.  I don’t want their simple assurances that I am over reacting or it doesn’t matter.  It is easier to pretend all is fine when inside myself  I feel like I am losing the battle to become myself again.  Instead, I see a tired, scared, and angry woman.  I wonder how much longer before I find some contentment in what I can do… in who I am.