Elizabeth Kubler Ross once wrote about the stages of grief.  DABDA — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

I can attest to these steps.  I have definitely had points of them all.  All except perhaps the acceptance.  Tonight was perhaps a noteworthy time of acceptance.

The Shepherd and I talked at length about some of my limitations–ones I had not been willing to acknowledge.

I hate my limitations.  I hate feeling like a non-contributor.  I hate feeling like a taker– unable to pull my weight. I hate believing in a God who could have healed me and chose not to.

And my reality is– I have limitations– physical limitations, spatial limitations, memory limitations.  Some can be compensated for– some cannot.  Life will never be as it was before the tumor was diagnosed.  I will not be the same.

I do have strengths.  I do have things to offer the church, my family, my friends.  I will have to be more creative than the average Joe.  I will have to be more patient.  I may not be the mover and shaker I once thought I would be.

As for God, I have to work that one out still.  But for today, I am willing to take the next step for a richer life within the limitations I now have.

Today I was waiting for the bus.  I had nothing else to do, but wait.  There is a pressure inside of me that suggests I must redeem the time, I must use it well, I must be productive.  But I was stuck there so all I began to think.  I thought about “waiting”.  I began to contemplate  how Scripture depicts waiting as a good thing.  And how waiting was used by God to prepare people for some of the most important events.

David was a shepherd boy.  As a shepherd, David was in the field day and night doing what?   Waiting.  He waited for the sheep to graze, he waited for the day to end, he waited to move the flock forward.  That could not have felt particularly productive.  But the fruit of the waiting was a young man who knew with God he could defeat the giant.  Time spent alone   had given David time to contemplate God and to trust the One who proclaimed, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”

David was anointed by Samuel, the prophet, to be king.  But David was left to wait   decades before taking over as king.  In the years of waiting he married, served in Israel’s army, and spent time in Saul’s household.

Moses was selected to lead Israel out of bondage.  He waited.  He had to grow up from infancy.  As an adult he killed one of the Egyptians beating an Israelite.  What was the consequence?  He ran away to a different land and though Moses may have thought he was hiding, God was waiting.  Finally it was time and God called to Moses through the burning bush.  God had a message for Pharaoh he wanted Moses to share.

Moses went to Pharaoh and shared God’s message and then he left to wait.  He went back and forth several times and had to wait often.  Finally Pharaoh agreed to let the Israelites go.  And then he changed his mind… Israel saw God’s hand move mightily… and then they grumbled… Finally the Israelites worshipped homemade idols.  God’s answer?  The Children of Israel would wander in the wilderness for forty years… they would wait before entering the Promised Land.

Israel distressed God when Moses went on the mountain to be with God and receive the Ten Commandments.  God’s punishment was for Israel to wait and   wander.  But was that really punishment?  Or was it perhaps a solution?

When we wait and wait and wait what begins to happen within us?

Looking at the examples above, while we are waiting God is working to mature and grow us giving us the experiences needed to accomplish more.

Often we are aggravated with the slow down and the inconvenience.  But over time, we begin to feel our soul quiet.  We begin to seek what can be found in the solitude.  Perhaps we even begin to listen and hear the still quiet voice of God.  And sometimes in the waiting, we let God work,  or let our soul heal, or learn truths about ourselves.

Rob,

I have waited along time to write this letter. I have some questions that continue to haunt me. I am hoping you will extend to me the courtesy of answering a few.

The hurt created by the decisions of the leadership at Singing Hills is tremendous. Derrick and I came to Hillsboro in response to the call of the church. We left Oklahoma with the knowledge of God’s call to come here.

Derrick served faithfully, with honor and commitment to preaching the Bible with honesty and to challenge each of us. He worked many hours completing all responsibilities,

So, here are my questions, Rob. Did you consider what the world sees? Did it matter that people like my dad, a skeptic, would see the church firing my husband while I was recovering from 3 brain surgeries? Did you consider what my three daughters would think about the Church? Did it matter at all that as teenagers, the church’s betrayal could effect their understanding of God? When the plot was forming, how did you reconcile “holiness” and the deception you would put forth?

I beg you to answer these questions for me. I still have literal nightmares from the Singing Hills experience. I am hopeful you will help quiet them with an honest response.

Sincerely,

”

I don’t really expect a response from Rob.  I think he is to self-important to bother.  But, I hope I am wrong.  I hope he will show enough consideration to respond with something real… not just a brush off.

I worked hard to keep the hostility from the letter.  I do not think I succeeded.

Their solution now is to hire a youth minister.  They believe they need the demographic of families with teenage children.  Phil was recognizing the children’s minister may be on the chopping block. The offerings cannot sustain another staff person.

So to recap.  The elders fired the senior pastor, the pastor in charge of small group ministries, knew the music pastor would resign, and now are planning to reduce hours or fire the children’s pastor.

Somehow, they still think the problem is staffing and not themselves — the ones making the decisions of the church.

This congregation has been the same size for 30 years with problem after problem.  They have not grown despite the city going from 30,00 to 150,000.  Perhaps, just maybe the problem is the leadership?

Hmm.  I wonder if this was the problem we ran into at the church.  Derrick had the vision of bringing real relationship with God to the people.  He wanted to help them want God to be their favorite thing.

Tom wanted 100 people to have God be in the top ten list of favorites.

The elders, as the ones leading the church, had to decide which methodology to embrace.  It was not a moral question.  It was not a debate of theology.  It was a decision of methodology.  But the elders did not want to decide on that.  Instead they decided to get rid of Derrick and Tom both.

Theoretically, they can wrestle with the methodology over the years and come to it piece by piece.  But, what kind of damage was done by the approach they took?  I look at my dad, a skeptic of Christianity.  And by looking at my experiences with the church, why would my dad ever embrace the church at any level?

I see my mom who is without a church home.  Looking at my church experience, why would she want to bother finding a church?  Why would she see it as a worthwhile ?endeavor?

And finally, I think about my girls.  They have been raised in the church with great value and love for the Church.  And now they see parents who are disillusioned, tired, and trying hard to be faithful despite the questions.

So the elders were afraid or too lazy to work through their philosophy of outreach; favorite of many, or many exposed to God.  They made a decision that left many reeling and disillusioned.  And I think their decision about outreach became irrelevant.  Instead of the decision being about being a light unto the world, they succeeded in turning people away from the Kingdom.  They demonstrated why one would want to never be associated… not being a favorite of any, let alone hundreds.

It is hard for me to quantify what the hardest thing is for me.  There are several major emotional struggles.  One would be the steady stream of fear that courses through me.  I used to be confident about everything.  I might not be able to do everything, but I knew I could learn anything I wanted to learn.  I could find the resources for anything I needed.  I could talk intelligently with anyone I met.

Now, I am filled with self-doubt.  I cannot remember day to day what conversations I have had.  I might confuse my own thoughts with actual discussions.  Sometimes,  I lose every hint of a conversation, even after being reminded.  It is as though it never occurred at all.

Additionally, I create scenarios that are based on something I thought and think it is what happened.  For example, when I was in the hospital I fell and hurt my shoulder.  I thought it was dislocated.  It was not, but I told everybody I met I had dislocated my shoulder.  To this day, my girls remember that I dislocated my shoulder.  Reality is it never happened.  I do not know what other areas of life this has happened in, but I know it has.

I get lost easily. One of the areas of my brain most affected by the tumor was spatial relationships.  I cannot navigate more than a block or two from my home or work.  I cannot seem to learn landmarks, or where they are in relationship to where I am going.

Going to the bathroom in a restaurant is scary.  I must pay very careful attention to what door I went in, land marks by my table, etc.  I am as likely to get lost as to find my way back to my table.

I fear being irrelevant.  It is much better now with my girls.  I feel like we have found a working relationship that is normal for a mom and teenage daughters.  They still call their dad for far more than they call me.  But I know part of that is transportation  details, etc.  Things he is better suited to respond to.   But at work, I do not have a job or responsibility yet.  I can always jump in and do something, but nothing yet is specifically mine.

With Derrick, we struggle with each other.  He does not want to trust me.  He finds making all decisions to be much faster without me.  Things we used to discuss together are now often just an update I receive  In my quest to be a part I strike out.

I have trouble with friendships.  Like in other areas, I don’t remember the important details that make one know the other is listening and cares.  I also get frustrated trying to organize my time and efforts to engage.  I am quicker to quit because it is so much more work.

Extended family feels very far away.  I have not kept them informed of my struggles.  I don’t want their simple assurances that I am over reacting or it doesn’t matter.  It is easier to pretend all is fine when inside myself  I feel like I am losing the battle to become myself again.  Instead, I see a tired, scared, and angry woman.  I wonder how much longer before I find some contentment in what I can do… in who I am.

I have been pondering the idea at a more intrinsic level.  If one is given much, there is an immediate demand of more to maintain, godliness.  For example, if one is very creative, one must use greater self-control to keep the creativity flowing in ways that are to the good of society, and not to the detriment.  We want hard work to be used to be productive in soceity, not used to be the best bank roober who has ever been  But beyond that, hard work can easily lead one to work to the neglect of family, faith or community.

If one is blessed with great empathy, one must use it  well.  Listening and understanding.  But much self-control is required to not take what is learned as an empathetic ear to not become a gossip.

Life is so much about balance.  Every good quality seems to have a negagive aspect to it.  In recognizing this, one needs to know… to whom much is given, much is required.

I have revealed more about my deepest thoughts and feelings.  I have been vulnerable this week.  And I have heard that I am not alone.  More than that, I have heard I have mattered AND continue to matter.  My life is not  an island.  My decisions, my actions, and my moods can have ripple effects.

I am also realizing I have to get aggressive in finding relationships for today.  It has been reinforced to me that I know how to be a good friend.  I have to choose now to be a good friend in Oregon.  It is time.

The first week was very hard.  I had forgotten the format was to give many short exercises with rests between each one.  The exercises seemed dumb to me.  I was geared up for big demand and instead it felt silly and petty.

My attitude, anger and disgust,  was all over my face… and showed up in my heart rate.  The doctor came in and challenged me.  I settled down.  I started reciting the fruits of the spirit.  And my heart rate fell back to normal.

That helped, but still I had seizures.  Many, many seizures.  They left me exhausted.

We plodded through.  I don’t know if we made any progress.  The doctor thinks we did.  He thinks I will be less prone to seizures.  And that if we do the mirroring exercises I can get much of the use of my ankle back… and preserve my hip from certain hip replacement surgery down the road.

I am not certain he is right.  However, I am certain I learned.  I was a jerk the first day.  I don’t want to be that anymore.  It is time for me to demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit… even the ones that are hard for this Christian.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law.