It is nearing time for the third surgery. I have been home from rehab for a couple of weeks. I have not been a very good wife for Derrick. He is patient with me, but I get so frustrated not knowing what my role is. I have no responsibilities with the business — that used to be the bulk of my week. I have little in running the household — all of that has been assumed by others, or just making do. I don’t make any decisions for the family — Derrick runs the family calendar. By removing all of the responsibilities, I don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to do.
I am very frustrated– I do not have any understanding of my role in life. I was replaced while in the hospital and rehab. I am not needed in the business and in fact would be in the way. I am not needed to discuss ideas because my memory fails me. I am not needed to parent my girls — they are afraid of me and don’t look to me for permission or guidance. Derrick is incredibly patient with me — but I feel like all I do there is drain him of energy. I am so frustrated and without purpose I don’t know how to bless Derrick. I can’t remember what we have discussed or things that are coming up.
I have been afraid of the upcoming surgery because of its danger. I am wondering now if it might not be a blessing to have the surgery end my life. Then I stop scaring my girls with seizures. I stop draining time and resources. I don’t think I contribute anything to anyone anyway.
Yes, this is a self absorbed, woeful post. But honestly, I don’t know where I bring value. I have half a mind and half a body I require much and contribute nothing. This seems like cruelty of God.
People have said I am courageous. But I am not. I have not had any choices but to undergo surgeries. There is nothing courageous about taking valium so my husband can get me to the hospital. Truth be told, I scare myself. I do not recognize myelf. I am so without direction and purpose.