I am back at home after my second surgery. I am in contact with the doctors to schedule the third sugery. This decision has been much more difficult. The second surgery caused some motor function problems. I lost most feeling in my left leg and must wear a brace and walk with a cane or walker. My balance is off, and I am considered to have far less reliable desision making skills.— Translation is I am considered handicapped and not very useful. It is very hard to move to being a drain on resources without producing. It is hard to nbe dependent . I cannot even go for a walk alone. I cannot drive. I am not left alone at all. I do not mind the lack of time alone as much as knowing how much I drain resources.
The next surgery will be at the brain stem– it controls the lungs and the heart. If anything goes wrong, it will be very serious.—
The Shepherd and I hacve talked about the choices. I am very afraid of this surgery. I feel like the odds are against me. I fear surviving the surgery , but only as a liability to my family. I would rather have the tumor take my life than the surgery leave me without a mind. It has been a hard desision. Yesterday, a friend helped give me clarity. She reminded me of who I am — a fighter. How could I not fight for something so important — my own life?
I reflect on how scared I am. I am scared of losing more. But without the surgery, I will die, but not piece by piece. Instead, the family will be left knowing I am a ticking time bomb.
On my worse days, I get really angry at God for allowing this situation. In my foolishness, I feel cheated by God. I have served Him as the Shepherd’s wife for many years, sacrifcing much to be faithful to Him. I feel somewhat betrayed by God. It is not a pretty thought, but a brain tumor leacves me tired, frustrated, and with a bit of self-pity. I would like to be normal. Is that asking for something unreasonable?