dad

My dad is very complicated.  He is incredibly intelligent… and totally without understanding about people.  I used to think he only had the emotional reserves to have one relationship at a time.  Now, I think he just doesn’t have the desire to pour into relationships.

Dad is on his third marriage.  They have been married nearly 25 years, but have only lived together about half of that time.  Rumors have it that things are pretty tense with his wife right now, but that is not new.

Dad’s mom died recently.  My mom (wife #1) took care of most of the burial arrangements as well as cleaning out the apartment.  Dad would call my mom with instructions and Mom would fulfill them.  Dad’s wife was taking instructions as well.  Both women were irritated, and compliant.  I had a friend say, “Your dad has two wives!”  That is a good description.

My dad continues to confuse me.  I never know if he is proud of me.  I never know if he is disappointed in me.  I don’t know if he is actually even interested in me… though my mom assures me he is.

One of the interesting things about reflecting on dad is how much I am like him.  This apple did not fall far from the tree.  As I have been struggling with dark moods the past six months, I have been more aware of  Dad’s tendencies and it has given me pause.

Another very significant characteristic of Dad is that he is an alcoholic.  Over the past 30 years, that has been the primary characteristic by which I think of my dad.  Since I have been so melancholy, I have come to understand why Dad would “self-medicate” the sadness.  I certainly have more empathy for  him.

In taking time to reflect on Dad, I hope to learn a bit more  about myself so I do not lose my kids like I think Dad did.  I hope to bring richness and assurance to my girls — that I believe in them and am proud of them.